Part 3: How Not to Lose Yourself in Marriage & What to Do

In Part One, we explored the Quranic truth that our servitude to Allah is what enables us to serve one another without injustice, that marriage was never meant to demand the loss of self, but to teach the art of giving from wholeness. In Part Two, we discussed the potential signs that one has lost themselves, and this very common condition raises the question: how do you actually not lose yourself in marriage?

We all intend to keep our service to Allah at the center, but reality has a way of pulling us away from center. It’s rarely obvious; barriers may have permeated our psyches long before we could coherently express or prevent their integration. Such barriers can be cultural, psychological, or spiritual. We are wired by fitrah to purely seek God, to center Him in everything, but various factors interfere somewhere along the way.Conditioning, egoic fear, biological pulls, pain, and worldly forces all conspire to deprioritize our connection with Him. When that connection weakens, so does our ability to stay anchored in who we are. He who knows himself, knows his Lord.

The process of losing oneself happens slowly, unexpectedly. It appears in small silences, swallowed opinions, in the performance of “everything is fine” to keep peace. At first, you’re just trying to love well, to keep harmony, to be good; pure, though skewed from what ideal love truly is. Giving and servitude are beautiful, but we are not God; we cannot give abundantly without exhaustion. Somewhere along the way, “good” turns into “gone.” And often, the one you love doesn’t even notice; not from cruelty (though sometimes abuse exists), but from not knowing how to protect another’s individuality and self-worth. Many enter marriage with a good heart but without the awareness to see that love without attunement can still harm.

Learning how not to lose yourself in marriage starts long before the wedding day, and there is hope every day. It begins again within marriage, in the choices we make to stay connected to our essence. Let us delve into both.

Before Marriage — Knowing Oneself and Trusting Intuition

Your intuition is a divine mercy. It’s that soft nudge from Allah that tells you something’s off, even when your mind lists all the reasons it’s fine. Most people lose themselves because they silence that voice, explaining away what they feel out of fear, guilt, or hope that cycles will somehow change. But intuition is not fear; it is spiritual wisdom, it is protection. If it is nudging you to explore and ask, do so with wisdom. If still unsure, having a trusted therapist or mentor guide you through understanding your inner world is helpful here.

By following your intuition, you will notice your actions. If you feel yourself shrinking to be loved, or holding back the most vibrant parts of yourself, then that love will inevitably not sustain you. Marriage should bring out the most radiant parts of you, not demand their disappearance.

Many rush into marriage, not from abundance but from exhaustion, a longing to escape a difficult home, a lonely life, or a culture that equates singleness with failure. Because marriage is framed as the ultimate arrival, people throw their whole being into it, hoping it will fix what life has broken. But love that starts as escape can’t teach freedom; it teaches dependency. If peace doesn’t exist before marriage, it might not magically appear after.

We live in a world that tells you to settle fast and think later, that being “too picky” will render you alone. But discernment isn’t pickiness; it’s part of piety. It’s recognizing that your soul is sacred and cannot be entrusted to anyone careless with hearts, even if they intend well. Don’t marry someone who loves how you serve them but neglects how you shine. The right person will not only honor your individuality, they will protect it, knowing that your strength and uniqueness make the bond stronger.

The other crucial part is learning how your mind and beliefs were shaped. Ask yourself: how aligned am I to God and the Ahlulbayt’s values? Is my cultural or familial conditioning aligned with them? What pains and traumas disconnect me from my authentic self? At what point did I acquire a belief that divinely intentioned servitude and self-erasure are synonymous? Such things can be explored with a therapist who understands the teachings, or a trusted scholar.

Within Marriage — Staying Whole While Staying Committed

Your soul needs separate experiences to renew its spark, divinely rooted family and friendships that remind you who you are, and time to yourself during which your partner takes burdens off your shoulders and you tend to your mind, body, and soul. We all need personal goals and hobbies that make our spirit feel alive; a place or time for us to learn, to nourish our mind, and feel adequately challenged. When those anchors disappear, the self begins to dissolve quietly.

If you move away after marriage, leaving family, friends, or work, then you must rebuild those roots intentionally and stay connected to what you miss in creative ways.

Solitude isn’t distance. Take time to sit with yourself, to write, to walk, to pray alone. Ask: Am I still living as who Allah created me to be, or have I become who someone else needed me to be? That question alone can save you from years of quiet resentment. At times, solitude may also be a luxury. But you need to seek it in the little ways that you can. Learn to receive help, and allow others to step in and help if they are available and willing.

Disconnectedness also happens when truth becomes uncomfortable, when it disturbs the fragile peace. Create space for hard conversations, even when they shake domestic comfort. Ask each other:
What helps you feel most like yourself lately?
What part of you do you miss?
What’s become heavy between us?
How can I help you reconnect to yourself?
Is there any way that I may not be seeing you?

You’re not opponents trying to win, you’re mirrors trying to reflect one another. However, sometimes those mirrors stop reflecting. One person grows, the other resists, or one is hurting and the other too busy, and incapable of seeing the other’s inner world.

If you find yourself here, don’t despair. Awareness itself is mercy. Name it gently, bring it to the surface. And if your spouse is willing, begin again. Remember who you were, why you’ve reached this place, and begin honoring the parts of you that need it most.

If a spouse rejects your efforts for wholeness or takes your need for change personally, they may not be able to meet you where you need. Keep having the difficult conversations respectfully. Encourage the other to do their own self-awareness work. Seek counsel. And even if all efforts are exhausted, always know that Allah will not burden you beyond what you can bear.

Some marriages are built on control disguised as care, where “love” is conditional upon fitting a particular mold of servitude. If that’s your reality, remember: staying small for peace is not sabr (patience). Sabr is facing the truth with courage. Sabr is protecting your amanah (trust), which is the valuable soul given to you by Allah, from injustice. Reach out for help. Know that Allah never commands you to disappear, He commands you to live with dignity.

Remember,  not losing yourself in marriage isn’t about resisting change, it’s about ensuring that your change remains guided by Allah, not by fear, lack, or another’s dominance. When two hearts remember their Source, love becomes something sacred, a space where you can give without erasing, serve without losing, and belong without disappearing.

“And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from yourselves, that you may find tranquility in them…” (Qur’an 30:21)

True tranquility is not the silence of submission. It’s the peace that comes when both souls stand before Allah — whole, awake, and alive.